Baby Ella turned 1 week old today although it seems much longer than that. She has gone through far more in the "medical world" during this time than I have gone through in my entire life. It sometimes feels like we have been living in a movie or medical drama tv show with so many ups and downs. I've never changed her diaper, never been woken up from her crying, never rocked her, never held her, never seen her eyes but for a few brief moments...but I love her with all my heart and I know that God has held her in His hands and has taken care of her through the incredible doctors and nurses.
The past few days I've thanked God "just" (simply) that she is alive which may seem like a very simple prayer. "Just"...it's not really "just" at all is it? As if having life is an assumption? I should thank God every single day that I am alive and yet I rarely do. 'Life is a gift', a phrase I've often heard but rarely grasped. It is something that I have taken for granted but now have a changing perspective on since Ella was born. I don't deserve to even be here in the first place. I deserve death and eternal condemnation because I am a sinner. It is by God's grace that I draw breath and don't perish this instant. It is through His Son's death on the cross and resurrection that I have been saved from that eternal condemnation. A cross Jesus did nothing to deserve. A cross meant for me.
Of course it would probably be easy to get angry and wallow in sorrow and negativity with various thoughts-Why did this happen to us? What did Ella do to deserve this? Why do these other parents get to take their babies home from the hospital and we don't? Why can't we feed her, hold her, snuggle her? Why did the ventilator malfunction happen? Instead, God has allowed me to see the positive and His guiding hand through all of this-God, thank you for allowing Jillian and I to be parents to this amazing girl. Thank you for the overwhelming support and prayers from countless family members, friends, acquaintances and strangers. Thank you that the doctors and nurses found the issue with her heart months before she was born. Thank you that it is 2018 and not 30+ years ago when these life-saving surgeries didn't exist. Thank you that I've been able to kiss her, put my finger into her little hand, talk to her and sing to her. Thank you that a doctor was a few feet from Ella when the ventilator malfunctioned and was able to start compressions right away. Thank you for your comfort and peace which truly surpasses all my understanding.
God has a plan through all of this, I have no doubt about that. I have no idea what the next year will look like, the next month, the next week, the next day, the next hour, the next minute or even second. But God does. And that is more than sufficient for me.
Amen Matt! Praise God for ALL of his blessings! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete