Six Months.

Hi everyone!

It has been a really long time since I've written to you. A lot has gone on for our family and I figured I'd update you on our lives and loss.

Today marks six months without our Ellabean. Six. Months. These six months have been some of the hardest we've ever encountered, and yet, we still have joy when we think of her and thankfulness for the time that we've had with Ella.

Ella's service on August 10th was such a gift to our family. We guess that about 600 or so people came to show their love to us and to Ella. I was able to show people pictures and toys that represented Ella. I was able to show people that even though she had to stay at home and was always hooked up to machines that she LIVED and LOVED. I got to show people videos of how she would laugh at Eli, dance with her dad, and snuggle with me. She wasn't just a character that I would write about. She was a living, beautiful girl that had only half of a heart, but it loved as if it was whole. I had a lot of people come up to me after the service and say how much they appreciated the slideshow that had pictures and videos of her because they felt like they got to really experience her although they had never met her in person. The service that I didn't really want to have turned out to be such a gift to us. Eli still talks about it and how our friends and family who live far away even came because they love Ella and us. He talks about how fun it was and how great it was to see everyone. I didn't realize how healing it would be for him. We know some of you wanted to be there and we are still working on uploading the video of the service on here somehow.

We get asked, "How are you doing?" a lot. People honestly want to know how we are doing (which is amazing!) and it's hard to explain in a quick fashion, but usually I say, "Overall we are doing well. We have our moments of extreme grief, but we make it through them together." Which is true, but there's so much more to it than that. Over the last six months we have had to accept that we will never get to hold our daughter, kiss her, or dance with her ever again. We have had to explain to Eli that it's ok to be sad and that it shows how much we love her. We've had to explain that he's still a big brother even though his sister isn't here anymore. We have had to go back to how life was before Ella was born. The realization of not being able to see the people that we saw on a regular, if not daily, basis was hard. We would not see our home nurses, the hospital staff, or any of the cardiac team that we had come to love as family any more. It was a weird shift. We had to go back to jobs where we had to explain to people that the baby they had been praying for for 14 months was now gone, and we continue to find people that don't know she is gone and we have to explain it all over again. We were back to a family of 3 and it angered Matt and I. "No!" we'd think, "We are a family of 4." This was, and still is, hard to accept. Our lives were so different when we had Ella with us and to all of a sudden not have to have a medications measured out and the schedule memorized, baffled us. I still have the syringes measured with her medications for the day in my closet, I just can't seem to get rid of them yet. It just felt wrong and so incomplete. We still have unintentional hurtful reminders when we talk with strangers that ask us a normally simple question... how many kids do you have? And yet, for us, this isn't a simple question and it will never be. We have to decide whether or not it is worth going into with the stranger or just simply saying two and thinking of what age Ella would be at that moment. We've had to have the 29th of every month be a reminder that another month has passed since we last kissed our girl. I read somewhere that the farther we get from the last time we saw her, the closer we get to seeing her again. I love that perspective so I try to remind myself of that rather than how long it's been without her. I have had weeks where I cannot go one day without crying and weeks where I can't remember the last time I've cried. Weirdest of all is that life goes on around us like normal and we are left to figure out another new kind of life.

Working through all of this is HARD. But we remind ourselves of the time that we did have with her and that this was God's plan all along and that's where we find peace. We used to hate changing trach ties and yet we say now that we'd do 100 a day if that would mean that we get to have her back with us. It's funny how our perspective can change! We have seen how the people around us love us and care about us. We have seen how many people Ella touched and how God used a little baby to bring glory to Himself. I feel like she preached the gospel through her short life more than I ever have in my 30 years. I reflect back on our time with her in the hospital and the time at home and I am just so amazed at how present I felt like God was. He was walking us through all of it every step of the way. Honestly, now that life is "easier" I miss that feeling of God walking alongside me. I know that He is, it's just that I don't take the time to recognize it as much as I used to. I find myself getting sucked into the busyness of life and rarely taking time to admit how dependent I am on Him. I remember our pastor telling a story about missionaries that had been taken captive. They had been released and returned to the states and reunited sometime later. They all talked about how they missed being in captivity because the presence of the Lord was so strong and evident during that time. Can you believe that? They missed being mistreated and in fear of their lives because they felt the presence of the Lord much more. I've reflected on that a lot because I realize how much I miss being in the trenches with Ella because I felt the presence of the Lord so immensely during those times. And yet, here I am now, sitting on my couch cuddled up in a blanket... comfortable and it feels so off. It's a weird thing! I don't really know how to explain it. I often pray and ask God to hug Ella for me since I don't get to anymore and it brings a sense of comfort to me. I can picture her cute little body getting the embrace that we all long for.

Fast forward to mid-October and we were presented with an opportunity to move to a beautiful house with a big yard. So we ended up moving there early in November. This came with a lot of excitement and a bit of hesitation. We were leaving Ella's home. Her only home (other than the hospital 😊). At times it felt like we were leaving her behind. Our old home was exactly what we needed for Ella: the large downstairs with a master room for her and her nurses that was easily accessible to the living room where we would nap, snuggle, play, do therapies, and have dance parties in. We were close to the freeway which was helpful when we needed to get to appointments or would need the ambulance to get to us quickly. It was like this home was designed exactly for Ella and we had no idea when we moved in many months before she made her appearance how perfect it really was. I feel like our new home has been a place of restoration for me. We are blessed with an incredible view that I just get lost in. I don't have to look at a room and picture the traumatic things that happened on the morning of June 29th. It has been hard being in our new home, yet healing at the same time.

We also found out in the beginning of November that we are expecting another little one. Our third baby is on his/her way and will be joining us around July 20th! This has been exciting and yet a little scary. We knew we wanted to have multiple children and we didn't want Eli to be an "only" child so we took a leap of faith and knew that this was God's plan. We didn't want to live our lives in fear of what could happen. We wanted to live knowing that God is the One in control and we will follow whatever he calls us to. Being pregnant has brought forth a lot of different feelings... imagine that! 😀 We are SO excited to welcome another baby into our family, yet I have this odd tinge of guilt, as if we are moving on, even though we know Ella is irreplaceable. It makes me sad thinking that this baby will never have been able to meet his/her sister, but I know without a doubt he/she will know all about her. We also know the reality that we face may be another baby with a heart defect due to something in our genetics, but there's also a good chance he/she won't. Matt jokes saying, "Bring it on. We can handle any other baby." I don't feel the same haha! We went to our first OBGYN appointment and got to see the baby wiggling around and waving at us. It was wonderful! The doctor also said that the heartbeat sounded strong, but Matt and I looked at each other and whispered, kind of laughing, "We've heard that before!" (both of our kids had strong heart beats at this appointment). We will probably be sent to a specialist due to the high risk we have and will find out more info at that appointment!

Wow. Lots of updates. Thank you for your continued prayers and I pray that this new year will bring about lots of joyful experiences for you!

Love,
Jillian